I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
