Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You ruined the universe
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
