Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
