y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
