Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
