I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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