Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
