i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
our cab driver is having phone sex.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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