She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
