I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
handjob tips. give me some.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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