Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
