I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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