Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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