I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
