I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
