I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
