They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
