She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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