Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
