He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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