tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
