was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize