remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
