omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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