Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
