I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
