Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
