dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
