new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
