I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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