Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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