you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
