WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
