Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
