It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
