You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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