He asked to "fluff my boner.."
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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