i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
