This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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