My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You ruined the universe
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
