My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize