I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
