the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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