We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize