There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
