I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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