uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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