I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
