Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
