last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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