do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
