So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We need to get me chipped asap
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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