i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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