the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
How's work?
Spinning.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
