Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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