last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Even the bartender felt bad for me
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
