omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
