Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We need a shit load of segways right now
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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