the condom got lost in my hair
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
